I had a Multiple Sclerosis flare up recently. It started with a back spasm during the day one afternoon that left me in a lot of pain. It was all downhill from there.

I knew that something was wrong the moment I got out of bed the next day. I was reminded of that moment all the way back in December of 2012 when I had no control over my body. For a moment, I was back there in the basement apartment when the MS first hit. I pushed through it like I normally do, not wanting to be controlled by my body.

I was able to make it through the hallway by holding onto the doorframes. I made my way to the bathtub for my shower by holding onto the toilet and cabinets. I held onto the walls in order to get in and let the water calm me. I kept repeating to myself: “I’m okay, this is okay. I’m okay, this is okay. I got this, I’m okay.”

When I washed, I had to hold onto the walls of the shower, the words repeating over in my head. I’m not sure how I was able to dry myself without falling over. When I brushed my teeth, I sat on the toilet because I was too weak to stand. My head was swimming with fog; every time it moved, I would feel the fog slosh in my head as if it were some kind of tracer.

It took me fifteen minutes to dress myself, gradually pulling on my socks, pants, shirt and sweater and I fell against the bed several times, thankful that it was there. Still, it was only when I was walking down the hallway that I finally considered calling in sick to work. There was no way that I could work like this. My body needed to rest.

I ended up taking three days off work and that gave me five days of rest time. I’m getting better at giving my body the rest that it needs, but it’s still an annoyance. I know that I must listen to my body, but I don’t have to be happy about it.

At the same time as this was happening, I was launching my new novel, MINOTAUR. The main character is a young woman named Roanne who has lived in a labyrinth for all her seventeen years and has never seen the outside world. She lives in fear of the Minotaur, that mythical beast of Greek mythology. She has no idea when the Minotaur will strike but lives in fear of the beast and the havoc it will bring. She is also disabled and walks with a cane.

I was asked recently what inspired the novel and you can see that interview HERE. However, I just realized that there is an even deeper thread that runs underneath. It was always my intention for Roanne to be disabled. When she popped into my mind, I knew that she walked with a cane. In the first draft of the book, I didn’t reveal this until the middle of the novel. When I did the second and third drafts, I made her disability more apparent. There was no reason for me to hide the fact that she walked with a mobility aid.

When I was launching MINOTAUR into the world, I was trying to find my way through my own labyrinth. That’s what MS is. I had to try and work with my body without knowing what it would do. I could make my way to my desk, even if I did have trouble choosing the right words to type. I would take a lot of naps and rest, reading when I was tired of sleeping for little bits at a time. I tried to focus on balancing the promotional stuff against what my body could do. My fatigue levels flowed and moved like waves. I had difficulty speaking and sometimes I had to will my fingers to type the right letters.

Since the flare up, I’ve found myself more fatigued than usual and my legs and body have been filled with pain. My leg muscles haven’t completely recovered or loosened. My brain fog is awful, and I have been trying to put the spices away in the fridge, the plastic wrap in the dishwasher or the parchment paper in the freezer. I know where these things go, I’ve done it countless times, but my body has been re-routed. I don’t know where my body is going or how I help my body find its way out of the dark.

I’ve learned to be gentle with myself, even if my temper does flare up. Thankfully, I know that I am not alone and that there is light in the darkness, just as there was for Roanne. There is hope even in the darkness and we don’t know where we are going. That’s one of the themes of MINOTAUR and it’s one of mine.

There is hope in the dark and joy if I’m willing to go looking for it.

You can find MINOTAUR HERE.