I think that my Cerebral Palsy affects my self esteem.
Certainly, when I look in the mirror, I don’t see the person everyoen else sees. My husband tells me I’m attractive and that’s all fine and dandy. But I wonder why I don’t see what he does?
I used to think it had a lot to do with the Tragic Artists Clause that a lot of writers subscribe to, but I don’t think that’s it. I don’t think that’s it at all. I’m a happy person, I’m content with life, I just don’t like myself very much. Or should I say I don’t like the shell I live in.
Years ago, in highschool, I had the chance to play The Elephant Man in the play of the same name. The part called for the actor playing the role to either bend his body or walk improperly in order to emphasize the pain he was in.
I didn’t have to pretend.
It was the first time I had felt at home in my body, the first time where my body lent itself to convienience. My body, twisted as it is, matched and mirrored The Elephant Man. I walk with weights in my feet, it seems, that empathize with that man.
The only difference is I can go out in public where as he had to hide.