The other day, my right side was numb upon waking.

My arm and right leg were heavy, as if I was moving through jello. I was able to get out and go to work without my cane. The numbness worried me though. It went away through out the morning but it took a while. I’ve had trouble typing and my arms tense up right away when I click away at the keys.

Last night I felt dizzy and my whole body was tense. I went to bed hoping that I would wake up fine. I did, more or less, but my entire body was even more tense than before. It was as if I’d had a full body spasm.

I went out briefly this morning and it was only down the street, but walking there was difficult. I could only really take small steps and my muscles hurt. I was tripping over everything. I came home and have been giving my body what it needs: relaxation, taking it easy. Not writing or working, but just watching television and reading a book.

Relaxation has become very hard for me to do. Before the MS hit, I would gleefully sit and read a book for hours or indulge in tons of television. Now I barely read at all and don’t even have cable.  I have to be writing all the time, have to be doing something, have to be out and about living life to the fullest. I’ve forgotten that the indulgences are a part of living to the fullest.

I’m so fearful of having a relapse that I want to fill my life up with everything I can, to live in the moment. Thankfully, my body has other ideas. It forces me to slow down sometimes, whether I like it or not.

I need to realise that it’s okay to slow down, that I will have my days where my body is working and other days where it’s not. I can’t keep pushing myself to the point where my body rebels. I also can’t live my life in fear and have to find a balance. I need to find the balance between the work and the play and to enjoy everything.

I’ve taken a few steps to make sure that I indulge: I’ve started playing computer games again, something I haven’t done in years and have gotten NetFlix. Both of those force me to sit, to enjoy and to be entertained. I’m also reading more and not counting each moment not spent writing as wasted.

Instead, it’s a moment that I’ve been able to live, to enjoy, to indulge. I’m relaxing when my body needs it and have learned to relax even when it doesn’t-and that’s pretty freaking awesome.