I’ve had a slew of medical appointments as of late.

I had my follow up MRI on March 23rd. Even though I knew what was coming, what to expect, it was still frightening. Even though I was prepared, I was still afraid.

I was able to pretend that all the noise was music by Daft Punk, that I was in the movie Tron; but I knew this wasn’t really the case. I knew where I was the whole time. They put the neck camera on me and part way through, they injected dye into my body to get a deeper look at where the MS was.

At one point though, I fell asleep. I was actually woken up when the thumping sound around me changed pitch. It amazed me that I was able to fall asleep with all that noise, but stranger things have happened. I’d like to think that it was all the good energy that everyone was sending my way that kept me calm enough to find sleep.

On Monday, yesterday, I had a sonogram done. Now, I’ve read a lot of books about MS and they mention bladder problems but I’ve never written about my own. Well, all that changes now, I guess.

For months, I’ve been having bladder problems. There are times when I feel like I have to go, but can’t. There are times where I have to go every hour during the night. There are even times where I haven’t been able to urinate for a full day, no matter how bad it feels like I have to go. At first, I thought it was a bladder infection but then started reading about the bladder problems that people with Multiple Sclerosis experience. It was another on the long list of symptoms.

I’ve just learned to live with it because the thought of taking another medication didn’t appeal to me. I already have to give myself a daily injection and one pill for my spasms. That med causes constipation, so I take something for that. I didn’t want to take a pill so I could urinate as well. At my six month follow up though, my doctor prescribed a sonogram for me to look at my bladder.

It was the most uncomfortable I’ve been in any of the medical procedures so far, except for the spinal tap. That wasn’t pleasant, but at least it was over quickly. This was agony. I had to drink four glasses of water an hour before the appointment and, wouldn’t you know it, after months of holding everything in when I need to pee, my bladder finally decides to cooperate.

I was incredibly, terribly uncomfortable and I was filled with an urgent need to pee-and for the first time in a long time, I knew that I would have no problems holding back. I don’t know how women go through a sonogram with a baby pressing on their bladder the entire time. It can only be excruciating. When I was finally able to pee, I got it everywhere.

The fun wasn’t over yet. Once I showered and changed and headed into work, I got a call from the MS clinic. They got the results back from my MRI and the doctor wanted to speak to me. The appointment is next Tuesday.

I know that there is every likelihood I’ll be told that I’ve developed more lesions.  In fact, that’s almost a certainty; whether they are in the brain or in different parts of my body makes no difference. Unlike last time, however, I won’t be afraid, I won’t let it crush me.

I’ve done everything I can think of to do for my health: I’ve changed my diet, I’ve quit smoking, I’ve gotten back into Reiki and engage in a nightly Reiki self treatment. I’m studying Qigong, I’m actually living a healthy lifestyle. I’m a stronger person than I was, despite my boundaries and symptoms. There is a small hope that everything I’ve done, every step of healing I’ve taken, has resulted in a lessening of lesions or that they are healing themselves; that would be dreaming in technicolour, but it’s a small hope nonetheless.

All I can do after the results, whatever they may be, is keep on doing it. No matter what the results are, all I have to do is remember where I was and know that I’m not the same person anymore. I know myself now and come what may, I’ll get through it.

Tough times pass; tough people don’t. Thankfully I’m one tough cookie.