I have been in pain for three days.
It started two days ago. Kisses along my legs like razor blades; Elephant Man legs. Walking to work hurt so much that I had to sit down when I got to the bus stop. I could not stand; there was no way my legs would support me.
Sitting on the ground, I felt the muscles begin to loosen slightly, only a little bit. I sat on the ground resisting the urge to cry. I haven’t felt that much pain in a very long time. Normally I’m able to ignore it, to push it away.
I couldn’t. Not even counting helped.
Going home, I barely made it. I could barely walk up the stairs to my apartment. I had to take it one step at a time, slowly making my way to the top when it looked so far away. I didn’t think I would make it, but I did, through sheer will and stubbornness.
I went to be thinking “At least that’s over. Tomrrow would be better.”
Yesterday was worse.
My leg muscles flared up almost as soon as I started walking for the bus stop. I couldn’t believe how quickly the pain came on, how fast the spasms started.
It seemed that Cybill Paulsen wanted to stop me from walking. I would not give him the satisfaction.
I got to work but my legs did not loosen this time. The spasms increased through out the day. During a conversation with one of my co-workers I had to stop talking. My back spasmed along with my legs.
The pain was sharp and jabbed at my right lower back. It hurt to breathe for what felt like years but I’m sure it was only seconds.
“Are you alright?” she asked.
“No.” I said. I had never said that out loud. “No, I’m not.”
She gave me some Motrin but it did no good. I took another two, and another two. The pain did not go away, it did not lessen. Nothing could quiet the twin who raged so loudly inside me.
Going home, I stopped to pick up chips at the corner store and had to walk up steps. I eyed them cautiously, warily. It seemed my life is defined in steps and yesterday I hated them with a passion.
I felt a tear form in the corner of my eye as my legs spasmed again and I wiped it away. I took the steps one at a time and hated them.
This morning, it was a replay. I felt my legs tensing, but today I wouldn’t give in. Today I would not think myself weak or give in and show any pain.
Today I did not sit at the bus stop. I stood, feeling my muscles tense and un-tense, clench and unclench. I stood firm, trying to count in my head, trying to count.
Today was not as bad, though I can still feel pain elsewhere. My jaw is sore from clenching, my feet and ankles are swollen. I feel as if I am a walking bruise and I do not like this feeling.
Already I can feel the muscles in my legs tingling, waiting.
I wonder what the walk home will bring.