I am slightly worried.
My legs have been seizing up lately, turning from flesh into rock and stone at a moments notice.
This is not so unusual for me except that normally I have some sort of warning that my legs are going to seize up, that they are going to give me problems.
They will start spasming, little jolts of pain and heat that pinch the backs of my legs or perhaps my thighs and calves. I can prepare myself for what is to come based on the intensity of the spasms.
The more painful the spasm, the more painful it will be when my legs seize up.
I think of my body as an All Weather Predictor. I know when rain is coming based on how my joints feel. I know when it is going to storm by feeling the intensity of pain in my legs. I know how bad my legs are going to be based on how painful my spasms are.
But, lately, there have been no spasms in my legs.
I will be walking along one moment and then the next I can’t walk or I will trip. It is as if my legs just stop working and go out from underneath me.
Several times this week while walking to work I have tripped and nearly fallen when my legs have caught me off guard. It is as if they ware waiting for me to let my guard down, waiting for me to not pay attention.
Normally they talk, they jabber, talking and pinching and poking so that I can hear them, so that their conversation materializes in spasms and the hot lick of pain along my legs, my back, my arms.
But now there is no warning.
Now I take a step and my legs seize up. I have to stop walking and breathe for a moment, taking the air in and out of my body, willing the searing pain to vanish so that I can continue.
I can make excuses for this:
It’s hot out, I did exercises yesterday, I’ve been stressed, I have too much to do, I haven’t relaxed enough today
But the truth is that I don’t know why my body is all of a sudden changing on me, trying to keep me on my toes as it were.
I make excuses, think of little reasons that are filled with hope for why my body is against me. But I make these excuses because I don’t know and this frightens me.
The spasms, when they come, are ruthless now. They are pain beyond anything than I am used to. They’ll spasm when I stand, when I walk. Even while sitting.
It’s the not knowing that is worrying me, eating away at me. But I have resolved not to let it bother me, to push those thoughts back into the darkness of my mind so that I can focus on other things, happier things that make the pain easier to deal with:
Flowers, seeing the sparrows fly on my way to work, the look on my husbands face when I come home at the end of a day, the sound of my cat Mave greeting me when I come home, sunrises that bedazzle the eye, a good book with pages smelling of dreams
There is so much out there to enjoy that, despite my fear, I can only live one day at a time, taking things one step at a time.
And enjoy the simple things that come my way.