I know that stress is one of the worst things for people with multiple sclerosis.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of it. It’s keeping me awake at night, so I’m having to take my prescribed sleeping pill more than usual. I’m having to watch how I speak because on the first try, my words are coming out garbled. I’m also living with a lot of pain for the past two weeks. I’m in pain every day to some regard, but nothing like it has been for the last few weeks.

However, I’ve been trying to counteract the stress that hides in the shadows. I’ve been trying to prepare myself for battle everyday against an enemy that I can’t see. Covid-19 fills up the news and social media. It’s everywhere and we can’t turn away. I know I can’t. I feel like I’m living in the middle of a very high stress reality television show.

Covid-19 has become so all consuming that it’s like I’m living with a third person in my marriage. He keeps to the shadows and yet, I can feel him running his fingers along my skin, making me question every cough, every ache, every scratchy throat. The Shadow Man has many powers, the most effective is the way he gets me to be my own worst enemy.

Living with multiple sclerosis, I already have a compromised immune system. I know that I’m at risk, but everyone is. Covid-19 doesn’t care who you are or what you live with. That doesn’t make it any easier.

I just need to focus on the positivity. I need to banish the Shadow Man with light. Yes, I am having difficulty walking and I’m in a lot more pain than usual, but that has to do with the stress. I feel like I’m wearing it like a hair shirt, unseen by mortal eyes but still just as real.

I need to remember that in order for a shadow to exist, there must be light coming from somewhere.

I know that the light is coming from me and I am doing this to myself, but it’s hard to find a balance between anxiety and wanting to be constantly informed. I can only do what I can. Use my light to shine and sparkle, help others through their own darkness, send love out there into the world. The Shadow Man of fear doesn’t like any of those things.

While the pain will always continue, I can manage the other symptoms. I can manage how I view this pandemic and what my place is within it. As I said in a previous blog post, fear won’t move mountains, but love will.

I can’t lose sight of that, for myself or other people. We don’t know how long this will go on for, but I plan to be as healthy as I can while we go through it. I plan to sparkle brightly and lead with love, for myself and other people.

It’s the only way I know to battle fear, stress and worry. It’s the only way I know how to battle myself.