I was talking to one of my friends about the pain levels I live with.
The pain has been so bad lately. In the morning, I have to sit down while I brush my teeth, just so that I can give my legs a rest. My legs spasm throughout the night and it makes walking challenging, it has just been so much pain lately. It’s almost been too much. I’m in pain all day, every day and it only seems to be growing.
I no longer know whether it’s the Cerebral Palsy (Cybil Paulsen) or my Multiple Sclerosis (Max Shadow). They are both spastic in nature and I’ve lost the ability to know the difference in between the types of spasms I have. I just know that I wake up in pain and I go to bed in pain. However, I don’t see myself as suffering. I’ve just known pain for so long that it’s just something I live with at this point.
One of my friends asked me if there was any way around having to experience the pain and it was kind of like a smack in the face. I felt like asking them if they were serious. I live with disease and a disability and they cause pain. I already do so much to try and counteract that pain. Rather than get upset, I decided to use it as a teaching moment. If I don’t say anything, they don’t know.
I am taking medication to help ease the spasms and the pain, but it can only do so much. I workout three times a week and walk whenever I can, with a cane if necessary. I eat mostly healthy with attention paid to the amount of whole foods I eat like meats and vegetables. I’ve also introduced carbs and grains back into my diet. That’s not to say that I don’t partake in sweets, but the fact that I still have chocolate from Easter should tell you something. That’s how I take care of my body.
I try to take care of my mind by reading as much as I can and writing as much as I can. I don’t turn to non-fiction as much as I should; I’m more comfortable behind the smokescreen of fiction but any kind of writing helps as does my painting. Both these crafts turn off my mind for a little bit and just let it run free. I’ve also started journaling, writing down thoughts on the day and at least one positive thing that happened that day. That’s how I take care of my mind.
As for my spirit? Well, the painting and writing help as those skills come from my spirit, but I also read Tarot cards to give me guidance throughout the day and the week. I have a large variety of crystals and each of them have their uses for healing and centring my spirit. I have several mala’s and meditate at least twice a day. I also listen to music whenever I get the chance. That is how I take care of my spirit.
I explained all of this to my friend, and I think they understood to the best of their ability. It’s hard to explain what it’s really like to live with constant pain. I often with that I had a switch where I could turn it off, or at least turn it down to a minimum; but I don’t have anything like that. All I can do is be as kind to my body and myself and continue trying to live my best life the only way I know how.
The pain will always be there but I’m doing everything I can to live my best life and all I can do is take it one, or two, steps at a time.