Dreaming of Myself

Posted on March 16, 2007 by Jamieson Wolf

I had a dream about him last night. He looked like me, this twin, except that he could walk properly. His feet didn’t turn in, his eyes looked straight ahead.

He didn’t have Elephant Legs.

“How can you be here?” I asked him.

“I am everywhere you are.” he replied. “You carry me with you.”

“But how come you are perfect and I am not?”

“Perfection is in the eye of the beholder. And there is no such thing as perfection.”

I woke at that point, the alarm going off beside the bed. My husband hit the snooze button and I rolled over to hug him, all the time wondering if I had conjured the twin by writing of him.

Are metaphors supposed to come to life? Do dreams have shreds of reality woven into their lining?

Leave a comment

Traveling by Blood

Posted on March 16, 2007 by Jamieson Wolf

The twin is active again.

The muscles in my legs have been moving and shifting. He seems to be taking up more space, conquering the inside of my body with a brute force.

I can feel my legs spasming and shaking and I wonder if I should have worn my new shoes to work. While they are comfortable, my feet always take a long time to adapt to new shoes as if they have to get to know them.

The twin punches me in the shoulders, a fierce pain flowing along my shoulders and my upper back. I count again, trying to picture something pleasant, something enjoyable, that is not related to the pain that flashes like lights under my skin.

1-2-3-4….

The pain there fades only to flow down to my lower back. I wonder if pain can travel through the bloodstream, flowing through my veins so that it can cause discomfort where it chooses.

This is a ridiculous notion, of course; it’s my muscles that spasm, that ache. But I find the image of pain having no shape, no body, slightly thrilling.

What if I could bleed pain out of my body and bottle it, closing the bottles away into a dark cupboard, never to be seen again?

What if wishes could come true?

Posted in Muscles, Spasms, Walking | Leave a comment

A Subtle Agony

Posted on March 14, 2007 by Jamieson Wolf

Today is a subtle agony.

 The air is damp with coming rain. My muscles seem to be more active during this kind of weather. My body is a forteller of weather; all I have to do is gague how much pain I’m in to figure out what it will be like outside.

With the dampness, my muscles have been protesting vocally all day. And not just my leg muscles or my back muscles. Every muscle is on high alert, waiting for something only they know is coming.

My shoulder blades feel like they are tight knots of flesh and my arms feel constricted. Pain shoots downt hem at the slightest movement and I wonder when the Motrin I took will kick in.

My legs are vibrating at full force today and the Elephant Legs have come back. Even though I can’t see them, I know they are there. I know that if I were to lift my pants up, they would stare back at me.

My back throbs to its own beat, not to be outdone by the rest of my muscles. I can feel a heat there as the throbs and pulses increase and I wonder again when the motrin will kick in. I’ve taken six so far today and nothing seems to help.

I think of the twin inside me and wonder what it must be like for him to be in so much pain. Perhaps, for him, everything is in reverse.

Maybe he is relaxed when something hurts, or he derives pleasure from it. I am not quite so adventurous but I wonder if, I had no pain, maybe he would be in a subtle agony instead of me.

Posted in Muscles | Leave a comment

Breathe Deeply

Posted on March 13, 2007 by Jamieson Wolf

I can feel my fingers today.

Having the feeling back in them has been a bit like a revelation of sorts. I keep touching everything, knowing I can feel again. You don’t realise how much you need something until you don’t have it; but this is true of most things.

The twin inside me has moved down to my legs today. Though nothing near as bad as usual. There is a dull throb in my calf muscles that pulsates and I wonder, vaguely, if this twin inside me ever tires of tormenting the walls of my skin.

When I have less pain than usual (for there is always a little bit) it feels like I can breathe again. It feel as if I’m able to stand taller walk prouder. I know that the pain will resume, that it will come back stronger than before.

But during that time where there is little pain, I feel like I’m alive again.

Leave a comment

Who Would I Be?

Posted on March 13, 2007 by Jamieson Wolf

I often wonder what I’d be like if I had been born without Cerebral Palsy.

It’s an interesting thought. Would I be any different than I am today? I know that I would be able to walk properly, that I wouldn’t lose my balance quite as often. I would be able to work the buttons on my shirts with ease, ties my shoe laces with no problem at all. I’d be able to write neatly, have better developed motor skills.

But aside from all that, would I be different?

Having to fight an unseen foe all my life has given me quite the thick skin. It’s given me strength and made me stubborn enough to deal with life’s difficulties. I’ve had to learn to rely on myself for a lot of things because of my disability. I’ve had to learn to deal with anger at an earlier age than most people. I’ve had to learn to deal with disappointment and focus on the positives.

If I didn’t have Cerebral Palsy, would I be different?

Would I be less patient? More needy? More arrogant? Would I depend more on others, be more aggressive, less optimistic? Would I be a difficult person to deal with?

I don’t know, but it’s food for thought.

Despite my Cerebral Palsy, I’m happy with who I am, with who I’ve become. I think that, perhaps because of my disability, I’m a better person.

Leave a comment

Cowardice

Posted on March 12, 2007 by Jamieson Wolf

I am counting again.

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9 

My shoulders are getting worse.

The pain in the right shoulder has moved down so that I can feel the spasms in my right side. Now the tips of my fingers are numb and the rest of my hand is quickly following suit.

I try rolling my shoulders and neck to relieve a bit of the pressure, like someone is pressing down on me with both hands, pushing me into the ground.

I am rewarded with a sharp jab, a hot flash of pain moving down my arm and further down my side. I can now feel the muscles on my left side tightening in sympathy of the right.

And still the beat of music, that tattoo of rythem, pulses under my skin. It sings in time to the beat of my heart, slow and steady and there.

But still I type, still I write, still I walk. I will not allow myself to crumble and fall.

That would be cowardice.

Posted in Muscles, Spasms | Leave a comment

Handicaps Are So Annoying

Posted on March 12, 2007 by Jamieson Wolf

I am hurting all over today.

I go to get up for lunch and a sharp, excruciating pain shoots up my leg. My right foot is in agony; every time I take a step a whimper escapes my lips even though I try to keep it quiet, try to keep it in where the whimpers may turn into a nightmare when I sleep.

But it escapes my mouth anyway, wanting to share its sound with others. A co-worker stops me and asks if I’m alright.

“I’m fine.” I lie.

“Are you having trouble limping?” she asks.

“Yes, but it’s no biggie.” I say. “I’m fine.”

“You should think of getting better shoes.” she tells me. “That might help.”

I look down at my nice black dress shoes with their special soles that provide extra comfort, their jell insole that cushions my foot. “Yeah,” I reply lamely. “That would help.”

“At least you’re not handicapped,” she says. “My sister has MS and she’s always bitching and moaning about how much pain she’s in. She can get a little annoying.”

I grimace. She sees my face and looks concerned.

“Did I say something wrong?” she asks. I think of what she said and how it revealed exactly who she is.

“No,” I say. “You didn’t say anything wrong at all.”

I limp away down the hallway, feeling her eyes drill into the back of my head.

Posted in Spasms | Leave a comment

Tingle Jingle

Posted on March 12, 2007 by Jamieson Wolf

I’m still having trouble feeling the fingers on my right hand.

They’re better than they were last week; I’m no longer finger painting, but instead can feel tingls, needles in my hands instead of where they normally are in my feet and legs.

My right shoulder is still convulsing. It’s as if it’s having a breakdown of some sort underneath my skin; may-hap it had a fight with my shoulder bone? Maybe my body is rejecting the muscles that are there as inferior?

The pain is less intense now but I think that is because I’ve gotten used to it. I’ve adapted to the pain, dulled it out, become numb to it. I’m almost positive of this because, if there was no pain, wouldn’t I be able to feel my fingers?

The tips are numb and feel jingley, tingley; needles in my fingers taking samples of blood, maybe, or perhaps they are ghost fingers, phantom fingers that reside somewhere else than my physical body?

Posted in Spasms | Leave a comment

Can You Feel the Vibrations?

Posted on March 12, 2007 by Jamieson Wolf

Today my legs are singing to me.

 I picture them like saws, being bent and hit to create music that is oddly pleasing to the ear. I can’t stand today; I’m at the water cooler and I can feel them vibrating to a music only they can hear.

I’m thankful that I’m wearing pants because I know my legs are shaking, moving, vibrating, jiggling. It’s like there’s an earth quake and it’s only beneath my feet, as if I’m on a plate under the earths surface that shifts when I walk on it.

Every time I take a step, I feel sharp pains in the soles of my feet as if my feet are protesting every step I take.

In a way, I guess they are.

Posted in Muscles, Spasms | Leave a comment

Shuffling

Posted on March 12, 2007 by Jamieson Wolf

I feel like I am dancing today.

My legs feel heavy, my feet are like weights. I feel like I am walking through sand or perhaps jello. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to life my feet very high off of the ground.

I pretend that I am dancing, shuffling along making a scruffy noise to dance to, music of my own making. When really I am not able to walk very well. Because of the shuffling, because I can’t lift my feet, I trip a lot today.

Cracks in the road that others would have no trouble with, even cracks that aren’t there, I trip over them. People just call me a klutz; if only they really knew. I trip over everything.

Even my own feet.

Leave a comment